


when being nice backfires

by naegahosh



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Idol Verse, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, soonyoung is in love with jeonghan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naegahosh/pseuds/naegahosh
Summary: Jeonghan is really nice. Too nice.If only Jeonghan knew what he was doing.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52





	when being nice backfires

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
> before you read, this fic is extremely canon compliant... meaning some scenes from this story have been taken from real life and it'll make more sense to those of you who watch seventeen content on a regular basis (i.e. going seventeen, inside seventeen, etc.).  
> **for those of you who don't: i don't include an explanation of what's going on in soonyoung's narrative.. sorry! it won't matter too much. (also! if you don't watch going seventeen, you totally should!!) 
> 
> +) this should've been posted before all the award shows happened but here it is. i hope you enjoy!

Soonyoung used to like Jeonghan. Just like everybody else. Jeonghan is handsome, funny, smart, and attracts people like moths to flames. Most of all, Jeonghan is really _really_ nice to him.

“I’m so glad Soonyoungie is in our team. I really couldn’t have done this without you~”

“Ay, I didn’t do anything, hyung. You worked extra hard.”

Jeonghan pats him on his bottom and Soonyoung gives him a cheeky smile. Seungkwan rolls his eyes.

That’s how it’s supposed to be.

What’s not supposed to be is Soonyoung falling in _love._

That wasn’t part of the plan. At all.

**when being nice backfires**

.

.

**(straight into your heart)**

Soonyoung wakes up one night, hot and sweaty, mortified at what he and Jeonghan were doing in his dream. He glances down to find his boxer briefs wet. Maybe, _probably_ , he was missing sex. He’d slapped himself hard. Dug through his laptop and found some porn when just seconds away from release, his imagination runs off and morphs into a familiar soft face that’s sleeping soundly in the next room. Gasping over what feels like a hot punch in the guts, Soonyoung shuts his laptop off in horror and jumps into bed, hoping he’ll be able to pretend like it never happened.

Morning comes even more brutally. Soonyoung wakes up breathless and damp again, images a stretch vivid and wilder than before. _Fuck fuck fuck_. He cusses under his breath while he hand-washes his briefs in the bathroom, terrified that his roommates, Jihoon, Seungkwan, or goddammit, _Jeonghan_ would burst in at any moment.

The next 24 hours are spent wondering why, just _why_.

At the end of the day, the only thing he has is an epiphany.

Jeonghan is funny and athletic. He responds to Soonyoung’s tiger gimmicks. He constantly sticks up for him. He calls him cute when Jihoon calls him annoying. He somehow magically turns the tide when Soonyoung is the only one who wants kimchi fried rice for lunch (again), and they all eat kimchi fried rice for the third time this week. He calls him over for the smallest things— _“Hoshingie!”_ —and compliments him on this new hairstyle he’s trying out. And on top of all that, Yoon Jeonghan is impossibly good-looking and really _really_ nice to him.

In hindsight, Soonyoung should’ve seen in coming.

Of course there’s no way he’s going to show it. Or tell anyone. As a member of the same idol group, Soonyoung can’t risk what they have. Never.

Spotting Jeonghan in the corner of his eyes, Soonyoung quickly gathers his belongings. Jeonghan jogs over.

“Hoshingie~ Are you tired? You’re unusually quiet today.”

“Just a little.”

“Well if something’s up, I’m here.” Jeonghan smiles. “You know you can tell me everything, right?”

Soonyoung nods. He pulls up his hoodie to cover his ears.

The whole thing is ludicrous— _falling in love with Yoon Jeonghan_ _? What in the actual fresh hell_ —but Soonyoung accepts it because it is what it is. What’s really embarrassing is the fact that Jeonghan is, frankly, a nice guy in general. He’s nice to everyone. There’s nothing more to it. He says sweet, cheesy stuff to the guys all the time, and Soonyoung knows he’s not the only one who shares an intimate bond with the older male.

Jealousy is something Soonyoung isn’t well-acquainted with.

“Lee Seokmin.”

“Hm?”

“What do you do when you’re with Jeonghan?”

Seokmin glances up from his phone, face blank.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you guys are really close.”

(Seokmin starts laughing and shrieking, “What? We’re all close!” and Soonyoung panics internally.)

“And you know, it can be annoying.”

Seokmin’s brows soar. _Crap._ Soonyoung tries to sound nonchalant.

“So I’ve heard. You know. Seungkwan. He ranted to me the other day about it.”

Seokmin chuckles. “Hyung, I do what Jeonghan wants me to do and put up with all his quirks. And sometimes it’s really stupid, but he does the same for me. I mean, _I_ don’t mind, but you think Seungkwan could do that? We love him, yes, but he can’t go two minutes without judging everyone.”

Soonyoung nods, regretting asking because for the rest of the week, he witnesses Seokmin and Jeonghan purposely take Seungkwan out to whatever they’re doing with the youngest member coming back all alone, grumbling something about how he sees no point and everything is so stupid.

Soonyoung also knows that with him, Jeonghan becomes less… difficult, so to speak. He doesn’t understand why some members (i.e. Kim Mingyu and Lee Chan) bicker so much with the man because to him, Jeonghan is very easy.

Okay, fine, maybe that’s unfair to say, when Jeonghan lets him have the upper hand. They go where _he_ wants to go, eat what _he_ wants to eat, and does what _he_ wants to do.

Sometimes, Soonyoung can feel that he’s an exception. Does that mean anything?

Soonyoung tries not to find out.

He tries, really. He’s even knocked on Myungho’s door a couple of times and joined him on his meditations. Myungho had told to him to relax. To breathe. To empty his thoughts. And Soonyoung does. He closes his eyes and breathes, collects his feelings that he’s left all over the floor in a trail behind him, stuffing them deep down until he’s sure there’s no sign of it anywhere.

After a particularly tough session— _he’d come straight to Myungho after the gym with Jeonghan, and dear god_ _he did not realize that chest as flat as cardboard could be a turn on_ —Soonyoung decides he needs to get his shit together. His feelings aren’t a priority. The team is. So Soonyoung decides to keep those feelings _there_ , deep down, safe and locked up, for god knows how long. Until one of them starts dating. Get married. Soonyoung tries to think back and recollect a time where Jeonghan has ever mentioned or hinted that he was into men. His mind wanders back nearly a decade of them together as Soonyoung leaves Myungho and makes his way back down to his dorm. He’s about to reach for the door when it flings open on its own and Jeonghan appears with a tiny white dog in his arms.

“Soonyoung, look. Seungkwan brought Bookkeu.” Jeonghan holds onto one of Bookkeu’s little paws and waves Soonyoung inside. “Bookkeu-ya, let’s play with Hoshi hyung!”

Soonyoung has never been the one to be able to control his feelings, let alone hide it. It’s one of the qualities which he is liked for; transparent as glass as every emotion he feels on the inside are reflected on the outside. And Soonyoung has never had a problem with that until now.

Just one look at Jeonghan and it all comes loose. The feelings come rushing back. He can’t help it. He enjoys spending time with Jeonghan even more than before. He loves Jeonghan’s eyes. His hair. His voice. His caring personality. His mischief and silliness. His ingenious ways to cheat in games and get out of cleaning duties.

“Hoshi-hyung~ Aren’t you coming in?” Jeonghan squeaks in his fake Bookkeu voice. He looks up and smiles at Soonyoung.

“Hi, Bookkeu.” Soonyoung breathes, forgetting to look at the tiny adorable white dog. “I’ve missed you so much.”

-

The members don’t help at all. It’s no wonder why he’s beginning to think that maybe, _maybe_ if the other members see it too, then maybe Soonyoung is _special._

“They’re basically like newlyweds in our dorm.”

Seungkwan says during their fanmeet, almost giving Soonyoung a heart attack.

It can’t be that obvious.

“I think Jeonghan hyung might choose me.” Seungkwan says wishfully during a recording of their variety show.

“No, it’s Hoshi hyung.” Chan says.

“But I recently gave him a present.”

“It’s still Hoshi hyung.” Chan repeats.

“Hoshingie~ Thanks for always staying at the dorm with me.”

Jeonghan follows the director’s orders to say compliments to each other. Soonyoung responds somewhat casually. Then Mingyu has to go and ruin everything.

“Hoshi hyung, remember you really hated me when we were trainees and—”

“Hoshi, on the contrary, thanks for liking me!”

His poor heart flips around twenty times a day. The real problem is that Soonyoung is beginning to mind it less and less.

-

It’s another one of those nights after a particularly tiring practice. Everyone wants to head back to the dorms as quickly as they can so they can wash up and dive into bed. Everyone except Jeonghan, as always, who wants to go for a walk before they head home.

“Hoshi-ya, come with me.” Jeonghan demands in his own endearing way.

“Really?” Soonyoung sighs. “It’s four in the morning, hyung.”

“Please, let’s go? And stop by the convenience store. I’ll buy.”

“Fine.”

“Thanks, Hoshingie.” Jeonghan smiles, patting Soonyoung’s bottom habitually. “What would I do without you?”

The night is calm and clear. Just chilly enough for the both of them to wind their arms together and cuddle close as they walk. It’s very quiet, and Soonyoung is almost afraid that Jeonghan can hear the quick drummings of his heart.

“Oh look, full moon.” Jeonghan points. “Stand over there. Let me take a quick pic.”

Soonyoung complies, except that he doesn’t foresee the whole process ending in a total mess with tears forming at the ends of their eyes. Him, from laughing so hard, and Jeonghan, from a minor injury. It all starts when Jeonghan mispronounces every other word from the cold, Soonyoung slips on the icy ground while making fun of him, and Jeonghan somehow pokes himself in the eye helping Soonyoung up.

“Stay still, hyung.” Soonyoung blows softly into the older male’s teary eye. “You okay now?”

“Ugh, no. I can barely see.”

“It’s a bit red but you’ll live.” Soonyoung stifles a laugh that’s still bubbling in his throat. Jeonghan blinks a couple of times before breaking out into a huge grin.

“That just means I’ll just have to hold on to you tighter on our way home!”

Jeonghan wraps his arms around him and Soonyoung playfully shoves him back. Feeling like all the fatigue has been washed away, he watches Jeonghan take out his phone to snap a quick picture of Soonyoung under the lamp post. Soonyoung narrows his eyes.

“Is the moon even in the picture?”

“Who knows, I can barely make out your eyes.”

“Wow. That’s mean even for you.”

“You know what I meant.”

Jeonghan says light-heartedly, throwing one arm around Soonyoung’s shoulder and holding his phone up with the other. Soonyoung looks at the picture. He looks dumb, hands pocketed in his puffy black jacket and staring blankly at the camera.

Jeonghan smiles and shoves the phone in his pocket.

“See? Look how cute you look.”

Soonyoung vaguely remembers the last time they walked together like this. It was in Chicago. It had been winter too. The only difference was that it’d been snowing. And that Soonyoung wasn’t so much in love with his team member.

“Send it to me.” 

“Nope. It’s for me to see only.”

“Jeez, not again.”

“What’s wrong with keeping a little Hoshi pic for myself?”

Soonyoung halts in his tracks. Jeonghan automatically stops too, looking at Soonyoung in surprise. Then Soonyoung realizes the words are already out by the time he registers his own voice.

“Hyung, why are you so nice to me?”

“What?” Jeonghan laughs.

He ponders whether to wave it off and pretend like he didn’t say anything, but his mouth is already moving on its own accord.

“You’re especially nice to me.”

Jeonghan takes a step back, the chuckling fading when he realizes that Soonyoung is serious.

“Okay, let’s see.” He starts. “Well… We live together, we like to do the same things, you’re easy to have fun with, what else… oh yeah we like the same food and… gosh Soonyoung, you’re really cute.”

“Okay…” Soonyoung says impatiently, hot and frustrated. “That’s it? You said it yourself that I like you. What did you mean by that?”

Jeonghan looks confused. “Well, don’t you? Like me?”

“…Yeah.”

“That’s what I meant. You’re one of the cute ones that show me your affections and obviously I like you too.” 

Soonyoung can feel himself losing control of his face. He’s not very good at hiding how he feels, especially embarrassment. All this time Soonyoung thought he was _special_. More than just a member to Jeonghan, when this whole time, he was only being… _babied_. He’s mortified from head to toe. More than the time he woke up from that damn dream with his briefs wet. He would walk in traffic right now if the street wasn’t so deserted. 

“Soonyoung, are you cold? Your face is red.”

“I’m fine.” Soonyoung says. He resumes walking. “I just wanted to tell you to stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop treating me like a baby.”

“Um, okay.”

Jeonghan sounds confused but Soonyoung doesn’t dare to look at him. He might burst into tears if he sees Jeonghan’s face, and he’s already thankful that Jeonghan’s vision isn’t up to par. 

“Hey, slow down.” Jeonghan grabs him by the arm. “Why are you walking so fast? Are you mad?”

“No, I’m just—” Soonyoung’s face falls, lips pursed tightly.

He’s fucking embarrassed. That’s all. For thinking Jeonghan could’ve felt the same way about him like he did when there was nothing there. And Jeonghan can never know. As Soonyoung fumbles for excuses, he feels Jeonghan’s cold hands wrap around his colder face. Soonyoung’s eyes widen as Jeonghan’s face comes closer, his big eyes examining him closely. Soonyoung shoves him off. Not playfully like before, but hard. Jeonghan stumbles back.

“This. Don’t do this anymore.” Soonyoung snaps.

Jeonghan stares, looking shocked. “What did I do?”

Hurt, even.

“You’re being too nice. Too caring.”

“…You’re mad at me for being nice?”

Great. Now Jeonghan is angry.

Soonyoung doesn’t have the courage to face an upset Jeonghan, so he continues walking, leaving the older male behind.

“Soonyoung-ah!”

Soonyoung doesn’t turn around. Instead, he quickens his pace but that doesn’t stop Jeonghan from yelling.

“Kwon Soonyoung!”

Now Soonyoung gets it.

“It’s cold!” 

Jeonghan isn’t nice.

“Grab a cab! Okay?”

If nice meant unintentionally making you feel a certain way only to make you look like the biggest idiot on earth, then sure, Jeonghan was an angel.

Soonyoung wipes away at his wet eyes. 

Jeonghan was mean. Really, really mean.

-

Soonyoung wakes up the next morning to find a warm honey drink on the dining table with a memo written _Hoshingie’s_. It’s what he always has when they stop by the convenience store together. Soonyoung throws it in the trash.

Soonyoung knows how simple-minded he is. He’s not that deep or complicated. If Soonyoung had fallen in love because of all the attention and care Jeonghan had given him, then Soonyoung is sure he’ll be able to fall out of love with a bit of distance and indifference.

So Soonyoung starts to avoid Jeonghan. Not so obviously so that the members are able to pick up on what’s going on, but in subtle ways that only he’d know. He drags Junhui between them when Jeonghan stands next to him. He fakes being sick when Jeonghan asks if he wants to order delivery. He closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep when Jeonghan knocks on his door. Sometimes, the door creaks open. And long silence before it clicks close.

When it gets harder and harder to make excuses, Soonyoung makes an escape and practically starts living in Jihoon’s studio.

“Why are you here?” Jihoon asks when he enters and discovers Soonyoung sprawled out across the couch. Again.

“I’m trying to sort my life out.”

“Yeah, so why here?” Jihoon asks again, sounding more curious than annoyed. 

“I can’t do it at home.” Soonyoung answers, draping his arm over his eyes. All this blue light was making him nauseous.

Jihoon doesn’t ask any more questions. Soonyoung hears shuffling and soon enough he hears familiar beats and melodies that he’s been listening to for the past week.

When Soonyoung opens his eyes, he sees Jeonghan sitting next to him looking at a piece of sheet music. Soonyoung’s legs have been placed over his lap, and Soonyoung realizes he must’ve fallen asleep. He hadn’t been able to rest peacefully at the dorm and naturally his overdue sleep had gotten the best of him. Soonyoung looks around, careful not to move his head, but Jihoon can’t be seen anywhere. Jeonghan clears his throat and Soonyoung shuts his eyes. 

“I know you’re awake.”

He hears Jeonghan say. Soonyoung pretends to be asleep for a few more seconds before giving up.

“I _was_ sleeping.”

“And you woke up.”

Having nothing to say to that, Soonyoung sits upright.

“Where’s Jihoon?”

“Went out for lunch with the rest of the vocal team.”

“Oh.”

Silence. Soonyoung thinks he can hear himself swallow.

“It’s been a while.” Jeonghan speaks up. “Talking to you.”

Soonyoung stands on his feet. “Crap, I totally forgot this thing I have with Wonwoo, I think I’m late.”

He’s whisked right back down, arm caught in Jeonghan’s firm hand. Jeonghan puts down the sheet music a bit aggressively than necessary, facing the younger male. He looks pissed.

“I’m not an idiot, Soonyoung. Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not.”

Soonyoung replies, eyes fixated onto Jeonghan’s hand brushing through his hair.

“So is this how it’s going to be? You not talking to me, and lying when you do?”

“I—” Soonyoung stumbles for words.

This wasn’t how he pictured him talking to Jeonghan again. He was supposed to be fine by then, back to normal, unafraid.

“Soonyoung, just tell me what I did wrong. We can’t not talk forever.”

Jeonghan’s voice is softer. His grip on his arm is still strong and steadfast, but his eyes are less accusing. Coaxing.

“More than anything, I miss hanging out with you.”

If Soonyoung had been planning what to say to Jeonghan instead of planning ways to avoid him, he may have been able to handle the situation a bit more differently. A whole lot better. But Soonyoung hadn’t.

“I just don’t want to talk to you.”

A pause.

“…You what?”

“I’ve been avoiding you because I don’t want to see you, hyung.”

Jeonghan’s eyes blink in shock. Soonyoung continues.

“I thought you’d get the message. What more do you need me to do?”

“Okay.” Jeonghan responds, trying to look calm. He doesn’t. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Soonyoung says. “I guess I don’t like you anymore.”

Jeonghan’s grip loosens and Soonyoung helps himself free. He gets up, leaving the older male behind.

This time, Jeonghan doesn’t call him.

-

Unlike before, Jeonghan leaves him alone. They don’t talk. They don’t look at each other. They try to stay as far away from each other as possible if they can. When camera rolls, they act normal.

“Cut!”

The producer behind the camera claps her hands together, and Jeonghan removes his hand around Soonyoung’s shoulders. He walks away without a word or a glance, immersing naturally with the other members who have already begun a conversation about the events of the filming. That was what was good about being in a group with lots of members. You don’t really notice who isn’t talking with whom, or worry about who to talk to or eat with even if you may have lost someone forever.

Maybe forever was being a tad too dramatic. Soonyoung would apologize and make amends. Once he falls out of love. He just hadn’t yet.

In honesty, he doesn’t know what more he can do. He’s distanced himself. They barely talk. It’s done nothing but give Soonyoung more freedom to observe Jeonghan from afar, unnoticed.

He hates everything. His frustration piles up and Soonyoung pours it all on work. Seungkwan is the first to notice.

“Hyung, go home.”

He slaps Soonyoung on the back one late night, giving him a look of warning. He comes back after apologizing to the staff and dancers that Soonyoung kept captive, peering down at the older male who’s sitting against the mirror with his head hanging.

“Everyone’s tired. _You’re_ tired.” He nudges the tip of Soonyoung’s shoe with his own. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m doing what I do.” Soonyoung responds without looking up. He doesn’t mean to, but his words turn sharp. “As if someone else can do what I do.”

Thankfully, Seungkwan is always the mature one out of the two. 

“Yeah, sure, sure.”

There’s a break before Seungkwan continues. “Come home. Get some sleep. Jeonghan is spending the night at his parents’ house.”

Soonyoung’s head whips up, eyes widening. Seungkwan shrugs.

“Yeah, I know. I can’t believe you didn’t think we’d notice.”

“ _We?_ ” Soonyoung counters back, mildly terrified. “Who else knows?”

“Coups hyung, Mingyu… Joshua…” Seungkwan’s list goes on. “Woozi hyung, Dino and… yeah, sorry. Everybody.”

Soonyoung’s eyes squeeze shut. Seungkwan plops down next to him.

“What happened?”

He wouldn’t know where to begin.

“Listen. I don’t know what you guys fought about, but you guys can’t not talk forever.”

Soonyoung bites down. That’s what Jeonghan had said. Which was, in retrospect, a lie. Jeonghan is a liar. Soonyoung doesn’t care that he’s caused it. He was in love, for fuck’s sakes.

“I’ll figure it out.”

Soonyoung says, knowing he won’t. He feels sick. He’s not used to _not_ meaning everything he says.

When Soonyoung walks into their dorm that night, he gives into his feet that stop in front of Jeonghan’s room. He steps inside, feeling relieved when it’s empty (even though he already knew it would be), and falls onto Jeonghan’s neatly made bed. The sheets smells like Jeonghan. Like their fabric softener but with a tinge of Jeonghan’s shampoo and lotion. Soonyoung takes out his phone and taps into their chat. Jeonghan’s profile picture is the same, unchanged since he last saw it. Their last conversation is about two months and a half ago. He scrolls up through the chat, eyeing their meaningless every day chat and snickering at their stupid jokes and banter. Until his fingers stop at a simple message Jeonghan had sent months ago.

 _hoshi-ya love ya~~_ _♡_

It’s dated back before Soonyoung had the dream that started everything, and Soonyoung laughs out loud at his own response— _horanghae_ _♡_ _._

Things were so simple back then. Jeonghan must be so angry with him. He doubts they can ever go back to being like this. He stares at the message until the screen turns dark and the phone locks him out. Soonyoung closes his eyes.

He wakes up the next morning from the bright lights pouring down onto his face. The blinds have been left up—he didn’t mean to fall asleep in Jeonghan’s room—and Soonyoung scurries up, rubbing his eyes. He quietly tiptoes out of Jeonghan’s room and makes way for the kitchen, thirsty. It’s a bit too early for him to hear any stirring in Jihoon or Seungkwan’s room. He’s helping himself to a glass of water when he hears blips of their passcode being entered and the front door opens. Jeonghan walks in, their eyes meeting in the air.

Soonyoung had thought about it. Apologizing. Even if it meant denying his feelings. 

“I’m sorry.”

For a moment Soonyoung thinks he’s said his thoughts out loud. Then he realizes it’s not him. It’s Jeonghan.

“For acting childish.”

Jeonghan habitually brushes his hand through his hair. It’s grown longer and toned darker in the past month. So have the bags under his eyes. Jeonghan continues.

“You can feel however you want about me, Soonyoung. If you don’t like me, that’s fine. I’m going to continue being the way I was because that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Soonyoung stays silent.

“You’re still one of the guys and… you’re precious to me.”

He waits for a few seconds for Soonyoung to say something.

Jeonghan had a tendency to be unpredictable. He’d already turned Soonyoung’s world upside down no matter how unintentional it was and here he was doing it again. Jeonghan was being irrationally nice. Who apologizes to someone who unreasonably ignored them, avoided them, and said to their face it was because they didn’t like them anymore?

Soonyoung keeps quiet because he doesn’t know what to say. He wants to grab the passing seconds before Jeonghan walks away, but Soonyoung knows he wouldn’t be able to say sorry anyway. He doesn’t have the courage to go back to the way they were without re-setting what’s broken inside him first.

Time eventually runs out and Jeonghan goes into his room, closing the door behind him.

Things would’ve been a hundred times easier if Jeonghan had lashed out instead. But no, he has to be so damn nice.

If only Jeonghan knew what he was doing.

-

Jeonghan stays true to his words. He is back to being ‘normal’, not caring for how Soonyoung responds. The members look noticeably at ease, thinking that they must’ve finally worked it out between them. They tease them from time to time and push one of them to the other at every chance they get—Seungcheol and Seungkwan especially—that has them sitting together in the van or end up having to clean the practice room together.

Soonyoung doesn’t have the heart to act like a jerk when everyone looks so relieved.

But this, this was a bit immature and unnecessary.

“Not funny, guys.”

Soonyoung growls, trying to push open the door that won’t budge. He hears Seungkwan and Seokmin giggling from the other side. He looks back at Jeonghan for help but the older male merely shrugs.

When Soonyoung stepped inside the practice room ten seconds ago, the only person warming up in front of the mirror was Jeonghan. The next thing he knew, the door shut close behind him, lock turning, and a text rang from their group chat saying that the actual practice would start half an hour later, and you’re welcome; enjoy some cozy time together.

“We’ll come back soon!” Seokmin’s voice fades over Seungkwan’s yelling, “We’ll get you guys something from Starbucks, don’t be mad!”

Soonyoung half-angrily texts his friends for help but Wonwoo is apparently enjoying this as much as the others, Junhui texts back a winking emoji, and Jihoon doesn’t even read his text. Soonyoung throws off his jacket in irritation, plopping down on the floor and texting a string of threats in hopes of scaring the younger ones to change their minds. He pauses when he sees Jeonghan moving from the corner of his eyes, tracing back a routine they learned the day before. Embarrassed, Jeonghan stops and rubs the back of his neck when their eyes meet in the mirror. He clears his throat.

“We might as well be productive.”

Soonyoung ignores him. At first.

“That is the most un-Yoon Jeonghan thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

Jeonghan smiles for a fleeting second. Then he goes back to softly humming the music as he tries to remember the choreography. Soonyoung goes back to his phone, trying to take control over all of his senses that are heightened towards the older male. Jeonghan has always been the slowest when it came to memorizing new routines and this was no exception.

After watching Jeonghan struggle with one move for five minutes straight, Soonyoung bolts up, frustrated at the way his performance team leader side is getting in the way of everything else.

“You got your feet mixed up.” Soonyoung snaps. “The right foot goes behind the left foot, not the other way around.”

Jeonghan grunts in acknowledgment, executing the move smoothly after the switch.

“Nice.” He says. “See? I need you.”

“Whatever.” Soonyoung replies, “Try again from the top.”

Soonyoung watches Jeonghan do his part, correcting bits here and there as the older male fumbles at times. This performance was a bit different to what they usually did. They were to collaborate with a girl group at an award show; Jeonghan was chosen to dance with one the girl group’s members that would perform before them, forming a natural transition to their performance as well as insert a little “collaboration” for publicity. The thing was, they wouldn’t be able to rehearse together until the morning of. It was difficult to practice without partners—especially for someone whose dancing wasn’t their strongest suit, but that’s how it usually was.

Soonyoung sighs.

“Hyung, you’re going to knock her off the stage if you swing your arm like that.”

“This is pointless.” Jeonghan cries impatiently when he hears Soonyoung say _‘again’_ for the ninth time. “How am I supposed to do this by myself?”

“Is this your first time? Don’t be an amateur.”

“Gosh, so mean.”

He’s probably said it to loosen the tension but it only makes things worse. Soonyoung searches for an appropriate response when Jeonghan’s hand wraps around his waist.

“Show me.” He says, pulling Soonyoung close. “Do it with me one time. She stands here, where you are, and I’m supposed to move my arm…”

Soonyoung isn’t exactly aware of how time passes. Thankfully his body has been trained for years to have strong muscle memory so he somehow manages to help Jeonghan with the pair choreography in place of his partner. There’s lots of touching, Soonyoung vaguely picks up on that. Around his waist, down his back and shoulders, and much too brief moments of fingers lingering here and there that only Soonyoung notices.

It’s only when they run through the whole routine without a single mistake that Soonyoung steps away with a deep breath.

“Good. You’re ready.”

“Yeah.” Jeonghan says. He hesitates for a moment before opening his mouth to say something more, but Soonyoung is quicker.

“I didn’t do it for you, hyung. I did it for the team.”

Before Jeonghan could say anything else, the door flings open and the rest of the members bustle inside, always loud and chaotic enough to be a distraction. Jeonghan forces a smile as he greets the members. Soonyoung does the same.

-

Soonyoung misses the time when the members thought he and Jeonghan were in a fight. Avoiding Jeonghan at all costs had been physically straining, but at least it was simple and straight forward. Now he has to _pretend._ And acting is something he hasn’t been planning to do ever in his career.

He’s torn and exhausted, body and mind. He doesn’t have a plan either.

Soonyoung jolts awake when Wonwoo hits him in the arm. Hard. He blinks a couple of times before he sees everyone staring at him—the members, the staff, the camera crew, and his managers from below the stage platform.

“Kwon Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung follows the source of voice and locks eyes with stern Seungcheol. By the looks of it, he’s been called at least a couple of times before Wonwoo punched him awake. 

“Pay attention.”

“Sorry.” Soonyoung says, bowing to the staff. “It won’t happen again.”

Seungcheol lets him off with a look of warning and the rehearsal resumes. Soonyoung goes back in position as they take it again from the top, and he feels a reassuring tap on his shoulder. It might’ve been Seokmin. Or was it Hansol? Possibly Jeonghan. Soonyoung can’t tell. He’s been dizzy for a while.

The rest of the rehearsal proceeds smoothly without disruption. The girl group they’re to collaborate with arrives and the members take off to get some food or catch up on deprived sleep. Some members linger by the stage to watch Jeonghan. Seungkwan grabs Soonyoung by the wrist and holds him down, excited at the rare chance to tease the older male. Soonyoung gives him a faint smile and watches.

Jeonghan has gained a lot of confidence over the years, but he still gets uncharacteristically anxious when he’s alone. Jeonghan listens attentively to the staff giving directions, face stiff and pale. Lips finely stretched and eyes nervously wandering.

Soonyoung unconsciously chortles. Jeonghan used to look like that every day when they were trainees. Recently, not so much. Soonyoung hides his hand under his sleeves and crosses his fingers as the pair does a stand by and the slow orchestral music starts playing. Jeonghan starts dancing with Soonyoung’s silent cue, just as they had practiced. Only better. Soonyoung smiles.

When the initial concern dissipates and the music steadily progresses, Soonyoung’s focus drifts away to other things. Like the way Jeonghan’s hand discreetly traces over her beautifully curved figure. The way his hand briefly remains around her slim waist and pulls her in an embrace for a perfect fit.

The way Soonyoung could never be. No matter how much he starves himself, his waist will never dip. His body will never be as slim, as soft, or delicate. Soonyoung leaves in the middle of the rehearsal. On his way to the waiting room, he makes a quick way to the restroom and throws up just in time as he reaches an empty stall. The dizziness was getting worse.

Pre-recording gets a lot tougher than the rehearsal. Drenched with sweat, Soonyoung gets his make-up fixed double the normal number of times. The nausea has grown into a fully throbbing headache, and Soonyoung tries to stay alert as the flashing stage lights cloud his focus. By the time he starts shivering, Soonyoung realizes that he may be coming down with a cold. He’d rather not have anybody know. They were all responsible for their own health and condition, especially for an important event like today. Soonyoung usually sweats buckets so it won’t look like anything out of the ordinary. He’d visit the hospital tomorrow after a good night’s sleep tonight.

“Stand by!”

He hears the staff calling. The busy hand around his face stops touching up on his make-up and Soonyoung gets back on the stage for what’s hopefully the last time.

The sky is pitch black when Soonyoung steps out of the building he’s been inside for hours. He takes a deep breath. The sun was barely rising the last time he breathed in fresh air, which means another day had gone by. He trails after the members to their van when there’s a sudden moment of light-headedness and everything in his vision turns sideways.

“You okay?”

Mingyu asks, catching him just before he falls.

“Yeah.” Soonyoung breathes. He waits for a few seconds until the woozy feeling goes away. He straightens when he feels okay again, marvelling at his luck of how Mingyu was right there to catch him.

“Wow, you got quick reflexes.”

“I know, right? Since I just saved your life, can I have your iPad?”

They joke back and forth until they reach their van with Mingyu’s arm wrapped around Soonyoung’s shoulder. Thankfully so, because all Soonyoung has to do is let his weight be carried the rest of the way.

The three vans drop them off at their apartments and they all say sleepy goodbyes before the first two groups share the elevator up. Soonyoung, Jeonghan, Jihoon and Seungkwan wait for the next one, all looking more than ready to fall asleep as soon as their heads touch the pillow. Soonyoung shuffles in as soon as Jihoon opens the door, head getting cloudier with each step. He decides to pass up on washing and makes way for his bed when someone grabs him and wheels him around.

“Soonyoung, let’s go to the hospital.”

It’s Jeonghan.

“What?”

“You’re really sick. You’ve been sick all day.”

Soonyoung stares.

“I’m fine.”

He says after a delay.

“You’re not fine. I’ll call a cab.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“You almost passed out, Soonyoung. I told Mingyu to take you to the car.”

Soonyoung falls speechless. Then he feels something hot and nasty forming from somewhere within, anger, possibly.

“Get out.” Soonyoung says angrily, pushing Jeonghan out of his room. “Get out, hyung!”

Jeonghan doesn’t back down easily, grabbing firmly onto Soonyoung’s wrists. He crashes into the dresser, the desk, the wall, as Soonyoung continues to scream get out until he pushes Jeonghan out of the threshold of his room. Jihoon and Seungkwan come running out, Jihoon with toothpaste foam around his mouth and Seungkwan with lotion smeared all over his face. Both of their eyes are blown wide with shock. Jeonghan nudges his chin and Jihoon takes that as cue to grab Seungkwan and hurry out the door. Silence falls.

Jeonghan was ruining everything. Soonyoung lashes him off, slamming the door close and sliding down with his back to the door. The locked doorknob rattles alarmingly. 

“Soonyoung, open the door.”

“Go away!”

“Soonyoung, let’s talk.”

It’s not fair. Jeonghan shouldn’t be like this if Soonyoung isn’t allowed to like him.

“Go away, hyung! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

Soonyoung yells, voice cracking. His face is hot. His head is spinning. He’s tearing up.

“You have no idea.”

Soonyoung buries his head into his knees.

“Stop being so nice to me. Stop calling me cute, stop sticking up for me, and stop being such a nice person. Leave me alone. I can’t help it when you’re acting this way.”

Once the tears come, so does everything else.

“I can’t help but misunderstand everything you say and do. I keep thinking I might be special and that you’re treating me differently because you feel differently about me. I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it because you’re so stupidly nice.”

Soonyoung cries, breath hitching in his throat. He can’t stop.

“I’m in love with you.”

There. It was out. Everything was over.

He’s afraid of what Jeonghan is going to do.

“Open the door.”

He hears Jeonghan say.

“Open the damn door, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung gets up, rubbing his blurry eyes in an attempt to stop crying. When there’s a quiet click of the lock turning, Jeonghan quickly opens the door.

Soonyoung didn’t know what he was expecting to see. But Jeonghan’s face is flushed, big eyes blown bigger, lips slightly apart.

“Hyung…”

Soonyoung starts, but Jeonghan throws his arms around Soonyoung.

“Kwon Soonyoung, you’re not wrong.” He says. “I do treat you differently because you are different.”

Soonyoung doesn’t understand. Jeonghan pulls away, mouth curving into a smile as he gently wipes away at Soonyoung’s wet cheeks.

“I love you too.”

“No, hyung, you don’t understand…”

“Soonyoung," Jeonghan's hand lifts Soonyoung' chin up. Their eyes meet. "I’m in love with you too.”

Soonyoung blinks, stunned. He… what?

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was scared and I didn’t know what would happen to us.”

Soonyoung isn’t sure if he’s hearing right. When his eyes swell with tears again, Jeonghan’s expression changes to one of concern and regret. He hugs Soonyoung again, hand softly tapping on Soonyoung’s back.

“Aigoo..” Jeonghan’s voice is back to the way it was months ago. Just nice enough to make Soonyoung cry even harder. “Did my Hoshingie have a hard time?”

This time Soonyoung also wraps his arms around Jeonghan, and he can feel his heart racing against Jeonghan’s heart, beating just as erratically.

“Did you finish crying?” Jeonghan asks teasingly, but there’s an apologetic tint to his voice. He’s not the only one who feels that way.

“Hyung, I,” Soonyoung tries to talk through the hitching breaths. “I’m so sorry, I— I didn’t mean to— to say all those things— and I, I’ve been so—”

Jeonghan laughs. He leans in and kisses Soonyoung, hands skating up to cup around his cheek and neck. Soonyoung jerks in surprise, but he’s gently pulled back, the kiss just soft and tender enough for him to sneak in needed breaths. Jeonghan’s lips are dry and chapped from a long hard day, and just as amazing as Soonyoung had imagined. Soonyoung kisses back, trying to keep up. Once he wraps his head around the fact that he’s _kissing_ Jeonghan, all of his nerves spike up like the first time a streak of light showered him on stage and fans screamed and chanted his name to no end. Except it’s hotter and wetter.

The thrill is insane.

Soonyoung hiccups.

Jeonghan’s eyelids slowly flutter open.

“This is bad.” Soonyoung says. “I’m getting you sick.”

Jeonghan nods. He kisses Soonyoung again anyway.

-

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Myungho cusses.

“You guys left us terrified out of our minds all night.” Mingyu glares.

If Junhui and Seokmin aren’t quick enough to hold Seungcheol back, Soonyoung is quick enough to hide behind Jeonghan. Jeonghan grins.

“Yeah, so how happy are you to find out that everything’s all right?”

“Don’t even.” Joshua snaps, upset. Joshua is rarely upset.

Soonyoung sighs. “We’ll clean the practice room for a month.”

Jeonghan looks at him with a disapproving frown, but Soonyoung is too guilty to take it back.

“And sit in the back seat.” Chan adds. “Two months.”

Jeonghan violently shakes his head.

“Fine.” Soonyoung answers for the both of them.

“Hoshing-ah~~ I know I just confessed my love for you but I don’t love you that much~~”

“Hyung!”

Ears flaring up, Soonyoung showers Jeonghan with a couple of good slaps on his back as the older male giggles and tries to get away. When they’ve finished, they’re met with eleven pairs of eyes looking at them in disgust.

“Oh, wow.” Hansol says.

“Oh god, it got worse.” Jihoon says.

Seungkwan drops his face into his hands.

“I am so not a fan.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. any kudos or comments are greatly appreciated!


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